and i would have stayed up with you all night

What are you supposed to do when everyone you trust end up leaving you, without caring if you are going to be ok or not. They just leave without saying a thing. Without explaining why.

They just leave. You trusted them and they left.

What do you do?

Replace them with someone else? Trying to fill the gap they left in your life. Unsuccessfully.

Then you keep noticing that the people you used to believe to be your friends just use you, shamelessly, for their own benefit. You get hurt, really hurt, but don’t have enough guts to tell them they are hurting you. So you just try to pretend everything’s fine, until you can’t anymore. You just can’t bear it anymore. Everything they do starts to annoy you. You just want them to fuck off and let you be happy.

Because your happiness depends of yourself but all you can feel is bitterness.

Yeah, it sucks.

I almost failed

Today I looked to my razor, my old friend. It was right there.

It was calling me.

It was screaming, shouting for me.

I grabbed it and just stared.

Slowly opened it and gazed the blade. So sharp and shinning,

I pressed the blade against my fingers so I could feel its sharp and coldness.

It would feel sooo(…)ooo good. But at the same time it would be awful.

I dropped it. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t do it.

I won’t do it.

 

what if I disappear? will you look for me?

Sometimes I stop walking in the middle road, wondering what would happen if a car hit me at full speed.

I would be dead in a second.

Valentine’s day

Porque quem ama nunca sabe o que ama
Nem sabe porque ama, nem o que é amar
Amar é a eterna inocência,
E a única inocência, não pensar…

Fernando Pessoa

Today I grew up

and I am proud of myself.

Saudade

Nostalgia is not necessarily a good thing. Because nostalgia doesn’t make you miss something, it makes you ter saudades of something.

Saudade is a unique Galician-Portuguese word that has no immediate translation in English and describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves. It often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might never return.

When you are listening to that particular song and you remember someone or something that has left a mark in your life or walking through that place which used to be your place, those things doens’t make you miss that one person, that feeling you get is not missing it’s saudade.

And Saudade is a really fucked up feeling, because when you miss someone you know they might come back and that you might see them again, like a friend that lives far from you. You may talk to each other everyday but you’re not together as often as you’d like to. But when it’s saudade what you feel… Man, If what you are feeling for this person is saudade you are in big trouble. Saudade is like lemon juice on an open wound. Saudade throws you to the ground and makes you crawl on your knees.

Saudade is my only friend.

dazed

There’s a girl in my class who is really attractive. I always say how beautiful (and hot) some women are but I never felt attracted by one. This girl is not a beauty queen nor the hottest person on Earth but she’s really fucking attractive. My lesbian side is growing stronger.

awkward & unwanted

Everyone thinks if I was like all the other girls I’d be the shit, every guy would be after me. I am not like all of the other girls, I am me. Why don’t they try to like me for what I am, instead of wanting to change me so I stop being too awkward to be in public. I’m pretty comfortable in my skin, you should be as well.

Mama’s boy

I never thought I’d be so dependent from my mum. I’m am not dependent like I need her by my side to do everything, I just don’t know how to do some stuff and I could use her help. Like now, I was bitten by an unknown insect two days ago, somehow I’m allergic to that insect and I don’t have any idea what to do to stop the allergy. I put toothpaste on the pimple to make it less itchy. I don’t think that works. I don’t know what to do. I want my mum.